Summer, coming to an end.  I walked this morning, blubbering all the way as I watched children get on school buses.  It was once my children, now its my grandchildren.  I'm not dealing well with time moving on.  I don't like feeling this way, but it seems as if I am mourning everything in my life lately.  And it all centers around growing older.  My mom is simply waiting to pass on, its that simple.  I am fighting the fact that I am now in my 60's.  My children are raising their children and everyday they are changing.  I would really like to embrace all this but I'm struggling to do it.  I pray that today I can live in this moment and enjoy each and every blessing God has for us today.

I think I have come to the conclusion that I am grieving for the loss of my mother, before her earthly body has even left us.  This happened with my dad too.  They change so drastically, it seems they are gone....at least the parent you knew for so many years.  I still remember the day we moved from Indiana.  Since then, goodbyes have been the thing I hate most in this world.  Just the act of saying goodbye and once I have moved away from that moment, I do o.k.  Watching a parent age is like the longest goodbye in the world.  I love my mother so very much.  She talks about dad more all the time.  I think it could be very soon.  How do I feel about that?  I don't know.

Today is Mikey's birthday.  31!  Amazing journey getting here.  Hasn't always been easy.  I am grateful everyday that God spared his life.  It wouldn't be the same around here without him.  I have the most wonderful children in the world.  Just got back from Indiana with my daughter.  I love spending time with my children.  That connection is such a gift from God.  No wonder it is such a struggle to let go when the time comes.

The Next Chapter

Well, my mom is moved.  A new chapter.  It was time.  Even she knew it.  It was quite a battle, not with her but with the insurance.  But I'm not going to re-hash that, it is over and we won.  Enough said.  Some major burdens have been lifted with this move.  Burdens off both my mom and me.  Now when I visit her, I won't be playing the role of a mom quite as much.  She won't end up with a headache because of all my questions and lecturing.  Someone else, with a different perspective will be making sure she is taking care of herself and taking care of her where needed.  I wasn't good at that role, did my best but fell very short.  Today I will unpack some boxes of her few prized possessions that are left.  As I was packing her boxes, I saw a woman that was clinging to things that reminded her of a happier, younger time.  It hit me that life is a cycle and at some point, we find ourselves in places that require us to purge.  It happens slowly, weaning us away from the "stuff" we hold so close.  Until one day, we have very little left, just our memories and the ones we love more than life.

My daughter recommended a wonderful book to me.  It is called 1000 Gifts and it is excellent.  I had time to read it at market.  Haven't had much time since I've returned, but I WILL pick it up again this week-end.  It has been a real gift to me.  Thanks Kerri.

It was another cold day in February.  Schools closed due to ice.  The middle of another long Ohio winter.  I was also in the middle of another long bout with the Ohio crud.  Mike was leaving me with a project I really didn't want to deal with.  And I was having a pity party.  I grudgingly got dressed, hopped in my Lincoln SUV and flipped on my favorite country channel to "lift my drooping spirits".  But in stead of hearing the usual sounds of Rascal Flatts or Keith Urban I heard a woman talking between sobs.  It was a telethon for St. Judes and a very brave mother was sharing how she said good-bye and gave permission to her son to "go be with Jesus".

I get so wrapped up in myself, my petty problems.  I'm so spoiled and selfish.  Thanks God, I needed that.

Christmas 2012 was beautiful.  I tried to make it less hectic and I think I accomplished that.  I began shopping very early, stayed up to date with wrapping and cut back on the menu.  It was a very relaxing day. At church this year, keeping Christmas all year long was a prominent theme.  It isn't a new thought but it really hit home with me this year.  Everybody might be surprised as to how I might do that in 2013.  No real let down this year, and very little melancholy feelings on New Year's.  I have very high hopes for this new year, I feel an unusual sense of expectation, waiting to see what God has in store for us.  Nicole now works for us and she and Mikey are looking to buy a new house.  Eric started school again and I am very excited to see where that takes him.  Mike has finally completed his exodus from management and Bella is helping him through that transition.  It's strange, I see him going through so many phases; almost like a mourning process after a death.  Getting adjusted to a new normal always takes time.  My mom is changing everyday. Some days are hard for me, I can only imagine how hard they are for her.  We will hopefully be moving her to assisted living soon.  We are at the mercy of when the insurance decides to give us the "o.k."

There is a beautiful pile of snow on the ground, more than we've had in quite awhile.  I feel like I am waiting....but I'm not sure what I'm waiting for.